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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.