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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.