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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.