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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor