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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the โ€œJagsโ€ and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the โ€œBucs,โ€ what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they donโ€™t have time to cut the cheese?
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I meanโ€ฆ M: Knives I: I donโ€™t think yโ€ฆ M: probably evil dragons I: โ€ฆ M: Focusing.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Drunk is when you feel sophisticatedโ€ฆbut canโ€™t pronounce it.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talkโ€ฆthen I remember all the things he has seen me do when Iโ€™m alone.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor