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A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.