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Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.