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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
I have nothing!
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.