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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
My therapist just offered me my money back.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.