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To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!