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i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.