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They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.