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ah Saturday, where it`s socially acceptable to drink in the morning. ;)
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.