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Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
Plan B includes margaritas.
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......