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"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!