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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.