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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
I am hungry 25 hours a day
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.