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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.