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"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.