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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?