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Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.