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Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.