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*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
Jesus is coming.... look busy
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Being an American is awesome. The end.