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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
The less you know, the more you think you do.