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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Theirye’re, problem solved.
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.