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I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
Iād drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.