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Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.