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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.