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Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
is procastinating now. Don´t see why I should put it off.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.