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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.