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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
A lot of people are very competitive when playing stupid.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
morning i hate girls evening i need girls
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?