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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
Personally, I think failure should be an option
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.