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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.