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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....