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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.