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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake