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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)