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My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.