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When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often