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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.