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My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
My life is just one long improvisation.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.