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Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.