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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.