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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.