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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there`d be one less blogger.