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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
A wise man, will often say nothing
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)