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The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!