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Kids....because who doesn`t enjoy a fun game of "What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?"
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.