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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.