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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...