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My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.