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Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.