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I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.