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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.