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The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Sometimes I wish I could officially change "Hump Day" into "Smack-A-Dumb-Bitch-In-The-Face" Day.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late