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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.