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Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!