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Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.