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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there`d be one less blogger.