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Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
I never finish anyth...............
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.