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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.