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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.